Now For Something Completely Different

[justan]

Axis Of Evil

by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of at his State of the Union address.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il declared "Everybody nows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . . we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded. They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[Danny Boy]

Letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones (of Monty Python) Sunday January 26, 2003.

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr. Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr. Patel, who run the health food, shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr. Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious
he is. As for Mr. Patel, don't ask me how I know; I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof,why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr. Johnson will be finalizing his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr. Patel will be secretly murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, andthen I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr. Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr. Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr. Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr. Johnson's wife and children as Mr. Bush has for bombing Iraq.

Mr. Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr. Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr. Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the onlyreally safe thing to do would be for Mr. Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr. Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.

Sincerely,
Terry Jones

[justan]

Author unknown(really)(At least by me)

America Boycotts "That Country That Surrenders A Lot"
PHILADELPHIA -


Thousands of Americans across the country have joined forces to show how outraged they are by France's refusal to support U.S.-led military action against Iraq. They have vowed to boycott all things of French origin, including striking French words from the dictionary.

"Since when did we give that country that surrenders a lot permission to grow balls?" asked Herbert Rowling at a rally in Miami, FL. Rowling explained that a complete boycott includes refusing to even mention France's name.

"Well if they don't have the guts to help, we'll show them that America doesn't need them at all!" he continued amid wild cheering. "From this moment on, a bidet is now known as a butt-sink!"

Some people, however, are going beyond simply renaming words derived from French. One bartender in Chicago dumped several $5000 bottles of champagne into the street, an action repeated by dozens of of other bar owners in neighbouring cities. Owners with more moderate political views were overjoyed to find that their bottles of champagne had increased in value by over 400%%.

One radio station in Las Vegas used an armoured vehicle to crush photographs of French President Jacques Chirac, photocopies of the French flag, a Paris travel guide, bottles of wine and a loaf of French bread in an elaborate demonstration of "true patriotism."

"We showed them who's in charge of things around here," said one onlooker, a black man with three small children. "And if those frogs get any ideas about having their own patriotic demonstrations, we'll just have to keep doing things like this until our point is made!"

Not everyone was as enthusiastic about the boycott, however. Several art museums around on the East Coast have removed more than one hundred Renaissance paintings from their displays after one patron spewed Pepsi across what he called "that damn French crap."

Porn industry leaders were beside themselves with grief at the sudden turn of events. "Half of what we do we owe to the French," said actor Long Schlong Silver. "Until this crisis blows over, no pun intended, it'll be pure missionary position for everyone."

Some newspapers and critics have attacked Chirac directly, for not being nearly as resolute as President Bush. Several media outlets have photoshopped Chirac's head onto pictures of gay orgies and other compromising and impossible positions.

"We've left thousands of our men and women over in France, underground. It's quite possible that if we didn't send our troops there, the French people would all be speaking German," said Burt Aaronson, 75, Palm Beach County Commissioner, explaining that France has yet to earn it's right to think for itself.

President Chirac was not fazed by events in America, and issued a statement that outlined France's continued support for UN weapons inspectors. When asked about his feelings regarding remarks like Aaronson's, he replied that he was not bothered at all.

"Ignorance is bliss, as you say," he told reporters. "Afterall, if it wasn't for us French, all you Americans would probably be speaking Canadian."