Elderly persons

[JWK]

Recently i've been introduced to the problems of the elderly and retirement homes, as my grandmother is of the age where she needs a lot of clinical and attentive care.

There is some fairly heated debate going on as to whether she should be put in a home-as she clearly needs help, but is too stubborn to admit it, and would never go into one of her free will.

Its getting to the stage where she will fall over and spend a day on the floor, unable to get up, untill she is found the next morning...

I was just wondering what other people thought about elderly homes and whether its a good idea to put people in them against their will.

P.S, is anyone aware that robotic dogs have been introduced into some elderly homes, and at first the olds are sceptical, but eventually grow to love the shiny little critters!!! they sit there talking to a hunk of plastic!!! nuts huh?

[greg99]

JWK – I just can’t ignore this topic. Be prepared, this is one I am very sensitive about. I will give you my insight (I have a nursing degree) and my experience.

Our elders are our memory. They have a past and at a certain age, that’s all they have left. Their memories, their belongings, their habits. When they live by themselves, their place becomes their retreat, their sanctuary, the place where they feel safe; they know every inch, every corner, every object. There, they have no age. They can deal with the small physical problems they may have because they know where everything is.

Take them out of their daily context and they will feel very lost, abandoned, almost betrayed. But in some cases it has to be done, for their own good. You have to remember that they have a whole active life behind them, a life where they had kids, a home, a job and responsibilities. We, the grandchildren, tend to forget that because we weren’t there when they were still that active.

First you have to compare different homes and form an opinion. Talk to people, compare notes. Try to find one that best recreates her environment (garden, pets, birds, lake, pond, etc…). If your grandmother still maintains her full mental capacities, then you all should explain to her all the benefits of going into a nursing home. Show her the places, let her choose the one she prefers, go several times, let her meet the nurses and the docs and talk to other residents, let her see what is around the home, where she is exactly on the map in relation to her old place and to her family. Reassure her that you will all come and visit her like you used to do when she was at home and that you will take her to your homes. Tell her that it’s only a change of house but with the added benefit of professional supervision. She must be convinced herself to ensure a smooth transition. Above all, remember to show her that you care.

Just put yourself in her shoes for a minute. Just picture yourself at a respectable old age – you still have a long way to go, I know - having to suddenly change your life-long acquired habits. Becoming semi-dependant and being shifted into a place with strangers and a reduced privacy. Having to recreate a daily routine when you thought there was nothing wrong with your old one. You would think that your family had had enough of you and was trying to park you someplace.

Just remember that our elders today have dealt with their elders in a completely different way back then: they would care for them at home, even take them into their homes, it was the duty of the children and it was all very natural. That’s how my dearest grandma went, peacefully in her sleep at age 97, in the home of one of her daughters who was looking after her. Because the generation of my parents still have trouble with nursing homes. Because it’s not part of their education. It has become part of ours, and yours even more, because our society has changed and we unfortunately have little time, even room, to cater for our elders. Alright, I may not be using the right words here, but I’m sure you get my point.

My experience is that people DIE from lack of love and attention. I have seen people go into nursing homes and deteriorate in a few months, even weeks, only because they felt abandoned. And sometimes they were.

I know you are still young and that’s a decision your parents have to take. As I see it, your grandmother needs to be reassured. She needs to know the facts, but don’t paint a picture that is not: tell her ALL the facts, the good sides and the downsides of making that move. Work with her on that. Explain to her the risks she runs by staying at home on her own and also how worried and concerned you are about her well-being. If she can feel enough love and caring, you won’t have to put her there against her will.

There…you made me go into ranting mode again… Hope this helps somehow.

JWK, if you are interested, we can continue this by email. If there’s anything I can do to help, even from a distance, just say the word.

[OT]

JWK - Like greg I too cannot ignore this topic.

I have just in the past couple of  years "put" my parents into what they call a retirement village. My mother is 90, quite frail but healthy and my father is 83 and extremely fit.

I use the word PUT (in quotes) only to draw your attention. One thing you must convince anyone is that they are NOT being "PUT" into a home. greg has given you some excellent advice - take heed of that advice.

Just to add my experience; I spent considerable time evaluating "homes" and "villages". You will need to look around to find the right environment for you grandmother. The village where my parents are now happily entrenched is very big on the idea of people remaining under their "own steam" for as long as possible. The village is a collection of quality home units with an abundance of gardens. People can be as free to live as normal life as they like or can have the staff check on them regularly or they can be cared for.

To cut a long story short, my father was resisting a move into any sort of retirement establishment and my mother was unsure and it took some convincing, but from day 1 of their move to that village, they were welcomed by all the occupants of the village and have never looked back.

If you find the right place, your grandmother would never have to worry about "falling and spending a day on the floor". In the right environment like where my parents are, the whole community contributes to everyone's well being. You will find that your grandmother will have "visitors" all day long if she wants them and she can live out her days in dignity. That is all part of the village environment.

1. Robotic dogs are not required
2. Be tactful with your usage of words in describing these establishments.
3. You should be actively involved in convincing your grandmother that this is a good move. Grandparents listen to their grandchildren!
4. Find the right environment.

Good Luck.

[JWK]

thanks greg, OT.

I'll take this advise into consideration.

The main problem is that we live at opposite ends of the country, we can only afford to see her twice a year or so(we cant drive down because it would take 5 days and an extremely expensive car-ferry trip across the straight) It may sound pitiful- but thats my predicament.

At the moment she has a nurse who calls around her house every second morning, and friends who visit daily, so that provides vital stimulae. We keep in phone contact several times a week, so she is never really gets that lonely, allthough her husband of 50 years - my grandfather recently passed away.

She's a tough girl though- and the nurses visits will become more regular, once a morning. I think she still has a few years home-life ahead of her- but i just thought id get some opinions.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond, and ill take your advise into mind.

[King_Aj05]

hmmm interesting debate.

Greg99 touched on one thing which I think is important.  (well she of course touched on more than one important thing, but one that I wish to expand on! LOL)

That is the "culture" or "ideal" from the older generation that going to a retirement village is a bad thing.  

I am down to one grandmother who resisted very strongly to going to a "home".  My mother is a wonderful caring individual and is an ex-nurse.  She  complied with my grand mother's wishes and cared for her in her home after she had a minor stroke for about two-three years.  I am sure that her care is the reason that she is still around and that she recovered to some degree.  However the constant care required for an older person who is not completely mentally with in and with a heart condition is not something I would recomend an untrained person would want to undertake.  My parents have the strongest relationship I have ever seen, they work every day together in the family business, play sport together etc etc...but the strain that keeping my grandma at home put on their relationship was quite apparant after a year or so.  From this experiance I have formed some opinions.

When I am old, I will happily go to a retirement home.  I think contact with fellow "oldies" would be a good thing.  I'll have my computer with internet connection, my playstation10, a bigscreen TV to watch the footy & F1 and nursing care on hand should I need it.  I do not wish to put the strain of maintaining myself on my children as I believe that it is selfish.  Also it potentially cou;ld ruin my relationship with my children!  My Grandma used to get really angry sometimes to the extent where she deliberately dented the door on my father's car (his pride and joy)!

Perhaps this, as I said earlier, is a change in belief due to a different generation, but I don't see going to a retirement village as a bad thing, just the next step in life when you are that age.

Aj