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Post by Ruby2 on Jun 28, 2003 18:31:59 GMT -5
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting while on her way to the 2nd tee. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" “I was stung by a bee." she said. Where?" he asked. “Between the first and second hole," she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "then your stance is too wide."
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Post by Ruby2 on Jun 28, 2003 18:37:21 GMT -5
Jesus and Moses decide to go golfing. As they approach a shot on the first hole, Jesus looks at it and says, "give me the five iron."
Moses says, "the five iron? From here I'd suggest the three wood. If you use the five, you're likely to wind up in the water."
"No," says Jesus, "I've seen Tiger Woods make a shot just like this, and he used the five iron." So Jesus takes the five iron and hits the ball - right into the water.
"See," said Moses, "I told you..." Moses parts the waters for him and Jesus gets his ball and they continue to play.
As they approach a shot a few holes later, Jesus sizes it up and says, "OK, give me the seven iron."
"No way, Jesus," says Moses, "for THIS one you should use the five. You use the seven and you're gonna land in the water again."
"Look," says Jesus, "I've seen Tiger Woods play on this course several times, and he always uses the seven from this distance."
"OK," says Moses, "but you're gonna end up in the water..." So Jesus takes the seven and hits the ball - once again, Moses is right, and it goes into the water. "Now look, Jesus," says Moses, "I hope you've learned your lesson, cuz this is the LAST time I'm gonna help. Next time you don't listen, you're going to get wet!" Moses parts the waters, Jesus goes in and retrieves his ball, and they play on.
A few holes later, Jesus sizes up a shot and says, "give me the five iron."
"Not again!" exclaims Moses. "This is a par 5 hole - you need to use a wood from this distance! You're definitely going to end up in the water!"
"Look," says Jesus, "I've seen Tiger Woods make this shot numerous times, and HE used the five. I am the Son of God! If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it!"
"OK, fine, be that way," replies Moses, "but I told you last time that I wouldn't help you again. Hope you like swimming!" Jesus takes the five and hits the ball - right into the water. "Don't look at me!" says Moses.
So Jesus starts walking out on the water trap, looking for his ball. The next pair of golfers approaches them and sees what's going on. "Holy crap!" exclaims one of the golfers. "That guy's walking on water. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses shakes his head sadly. "No," he replies, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."
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Post by Ruby2 on Jun 28, 2003 18:38:32 GMT -5
A guy and his regular partner are playing a leisurely 18 holes on their regular golf day.
As they are putting on the 18th hole a funeral procession led by a hearse drives buy.
The first guy takes off his hat and places it over his heart.
The second guy says, "Jeez, nice to see some people still respect the dead."
The first guy says, "It's the least I could do, we were married for 28 years."
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Post by Ruby2 on Jun 28, 2003 18:40:15 GMT -5
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
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