Post by Ruby2 on Apr 25, 2003 22:35:43 GMT -5
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your deity?
Newspaper
Bible
Torah
Television
Book of Mormon
Divine Inspiration
Dead Sea Scrolls
My Parents
Government Circular
Near Death Experience
Near Life Experience
National Public Radio
Tabloid
Burning Shrubbery
Other (specify):
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
Yahweh
Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
Jehovah
Jesus
Krishna
Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
Allah
Satan
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
Yes/No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
Not eternal
Not omniscient
Not omnipotent
Not infinite (incapable of being all things to all creations)
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes
Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
Looks after life other than that on Earth
When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices
Doesn't require virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
Indoctrinated by parents
Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society
Needed focus in whom to despise
Imaginary friend grew up
Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
Hate to think for myself
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death
Wanted to tee off parents
Needed a day away from work
Desperate need for certainty
Like Organ Music
Need to feel Morally Superior
Scatological material was falling out of the sky
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it.
5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
Cthulhu
Baal
The Almighty Dollar
Left Wing Liberalism
The Radical Right
Ra
Beelzebub
The Great Spirit
The Great Pumpkin
The Sun
The Moon
A burning shrubbery
Other:
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
Tarot
Lottery
Astrology
Television
Fortune cookies
Psychic Friends Network
Dianetics
Palmistry
Self-help books
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Biorhythms
Alcohol
Tea Leaves
ESP
Mantras
Crystals
Human Sacrifice
Pyramids
Wandering around a desert
Insurance policies
Burning Shrubbery
Other:
None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following (1=3 unsatisfactory, 3=5 excellent):
a. Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
no offence intended towards our devout members
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your deity?
Newspaper
Bible
Torah
Television
Book of Mormon
Divine Inspiration
Dead Sea Scrolls
My Parents
Government Circular
Near Death Experience
Near Life Experience
National Public Radio
Tabloid
Burning Shrubbery
Other (specify):
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
Yahweh
Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
Jehovah
Jesus
Krishna
Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
Allah
Satan
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
Yes/No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
Not eternal
Not omniscient
Not omnipotent
Not infinite (incapable of being all things to all creations)
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes
Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
Looks after life other than that on Earth
When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices
Doesn't require virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
Indoctrinated by parents
Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society
Needed focus in whom to despise
Imaginary friend grew up
Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
Hate to think for myself
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death
Wanted to tee off parents
Needed a day away from work
Desperate need for certainty
Like Organ Music
Need to feel Morally Superior
Scatological material was falling out of the sky
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it.
5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
Cthulhu
Baal
The Almighty Dollar
Left Wing Liberalism
The Radical Right
Ra
Beelzebub
The Great Spirit
The Great Pumpkin
The Sun
The Moon
A burning shrubbery
Other:
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
Tarot
Lottery
Astrology
Television
Fortune cookies
Psychic Friends Network
Dianetics
Palmistry
Self-help books
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Biorhythms
Alcohol
Tea Leaves
ESP
Mantras
Crystals
Human Sacrifice
Pyramids
Wandering around a desert
Insurance policies
Burning Shrubbery
Other:
None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following (1=3 unsatisfactory, 3=5 excellent):
a. Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
no offence intended towards our devout members
Don't Die Before You Live...