Post by rick1776 on Apr 22, 2003 2:13:58 GMT -5
Australia Post
There was this fellow who worked for Australia Post whose job it was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read,"Dear
God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to
turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those thieving pricks at Australia Post."
THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes,he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all
afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went
to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent". "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "Yes". So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with
your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my
love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess." "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's
alright, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky.
I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
cheers
rick1776
There was this fellow who worked for Australia Post whose job it was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read,"Dear
God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to
turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those thieving pricks at Australia Post."
THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes,he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all
afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went
to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent". "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "Yes". So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with
your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my
love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess." "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's
alright, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky.
I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
cheers
rick1776
